Internet remorse

After starting this blog, and posting it to my Instagram account, I quickly removed it. I remembered that my sister and stepmom's niece are my IG friends...oops! the thing is, I NEVER want to offend anyone. I've had my share of wars with my family, and I really don't need that in my life, especially not for speaking my mind on the internet. So I share it here. where it's safe(r).


people take things a bit too seriously online. My family has entered into many (too many) online wars, unfriending each other and me on social media sites and taking things out of context. My dad unfriended me because I'm still "friends" with my ex stepmom. My sister unfriended me when I said something to my mom that she took the wrong way, and wouldn't speak to me for 6 MONTHS. She also called my mom to ask her if she "was the only person in our family going to heaven" because I liked someone's post on the real meaning of an atheist. Seriously??


But don't think I won't unfriend you, block you, or unfriend you in real life if you share too much of your opinion, your personal life, and your complaints, and I hope you'd do the same for me. I won't shame or bash someone for their views, I just won't have a link to them so I don't have to hear it. And if you don't like my opinion, then please unfriend/unfollow me. Here are my top ten um..reasons I hate people on the internet, and try not to do any of these:

1. If you share your religious views online more than occasionally, I will unfriend you. I have my own views on my afterlife, on where I come from, and I don't like being preached to in real life, so I definitely don't want to read your feed if god is all you want to tell us about. Other people are ALLOWED to not share your views. 'nuff said.
2. if you complain all the time, I will at least block you, if not delete you. Life is not that bad, especially if you have the internet to complain on. a majority of the world doesn't even know what the internet is, or running water for that matter.
3. Slutty photos. If you show me your bikini pics (and aren't on some special vacation at the time), your "boudoir modeling" photos, pictures of yours or your wife's fake tits EVERYWHERE or otherwise seductive photos, I will veto you. whether you're 18 and single or 35 with kids(or God forbid, 14 and unmonitored), it's inappropriate. leave it in the bedroom. PHOTOS ON THE INTERNET ARE FOREVER.  Your kids will one day be very embarrassed to know you.
4. Progress pics. Please, just don't. unless it's been a long time since you've shared your weight loss magic, I don't want to have to search your (obviously photoshopped) progress pics for your new killer abs you got from Jillian Michaels DVD's this week. I don't CARE. I'm sure you're proud you worked out, but unless you've lost 100 lbs and want to inspire people, get over yourself. you're NOT the only person who's hit the gym ever. This goes into.....---->
5. Bragging. If you have to tell everyone how great your life is, its NOT. if you have to let everyone know about the awesome relationship you're in, then youre probably being cheated on. if you have to tell us about how much you love your kids, then you probably feel guilty about not spending enough time with them. and if you brag about finishing a marathon other than  RIGHT after you did it(kudos, let's move on), I will find you in real life and throat punch you. Others have done it and lived to talk about it, trust me.
6. Inviting me to play games. Just don't. I have a life. I won't pass on your chain crap, share your blog post so you can make money off of it, or take your surveys, either.
7. Pictures of your food, talking about your food, checking in when you eat food, again, I DON'T CARE and all it does is make me hungry and mad cause I can't eat what I want anymore. Furthermore, do you have to check in everywhere you go? Just go.
8. Your relationship issues are your problem, and not anyone else's business. Your partner wouldn't want you sharing intimate details, arguments, and issues with your high school friends and coworkers. even if they'll never see it, keep it to yourself, or call a friend if you want advice. Same with complaining about your kids or oversharing their lives. They don't ask to part of your internet excursions, so don't include them unless it's just a special moment you want to share. AND NEVER EVER POST PICS OF YOUR KIDS IN THE BATHTUB or otherwise nude! AAh what are you thinking!?
9. If you're posting about anything because you know it will cause drama, outrage, attention to yourself, or make someone else feel bad about themselves, you need to reevaluate your own inspiration for getting on the internets, or living. I have a certain family member who feels the need to post about her child that died after birth a lOT, and while I'm sad for her, and I cannot imagine the pain it must cause, I know she only does it(cause I know her) so people will feel sorry for her, tell her how bad they feel for her, and give her attention. it's the same when women talk about how fat they are so someone will tell them they look great! Don't show me your stretchmarks you're "oh-so-proud-of" when you really just want people to tell you that you look great for having kids. Social media should not be your cure for sadness, your source of self-esteem or self-worth, or a way to be hurtful and spiteful to others in order to make yourself feel better about your own shitty life.
10. Your social media "friends", your IG fans and blogging followers are not your real friends. the truth is, we all like to be nosy, gossip about each other, and live vicariously through others. Though it affects your real life, the internet is not real life. it's what you make yourself out to be, and when we meet you in person we'll know the real truth: If you lie on the internet, you're just lying to yourself, and that is what's sad. Don't say it unless you mean it, and that goes in in-person life and internets life.

That being said, say what you want, as long as you can handle the backlash. I sure will say mostly what I want to, on the right forum, so as not to offend certain viewers. I hope that I am perceived as the person I really am online, and I try to be real, without giving too much of myself away. there should be some mystery about you. there should be some things that only your real-life friends share with you. The Kim Kardashians and Miley's and Mama's(you know who you are) of the world will never know what a private life is, because you set that example for yourself. And you don't deserve a private life if you put it all out there. You must learn to handle scrutiny from others if you put it out there. the internet is a wonderful opportunity for inspiring and inspiration, for connecting with old and new friends, and for sharing tips, tricks, and events. It is not a diary, and it doesn't have a conscience.  I hope that I never have regrets about what I post, and that others can be brave and open yourself up to opportunities through the internet, while keeping yourself to yourself.


Here's to being as comfortable with your online self as you are with your on-couch self. But not too comfortable...

Where I "come from"

Okay, so this is something new I'm doing. I've tried an "art blog" before, because I had to for college. and I may have written like 10 posts. FAIL. I wanted to start this blog for me, not someone else. I want to do this to get it all out, like I used to when I kept a diary. God, I wish I still had those diaries. I'd love to know what went through my head during adolescent years, and figure out where I went wrong. no, kidding.

"Where do you come from?" this question seems to be a necessity for everyone to know, about everyone, and what do you say when you really don't know??

I am basically happy with who I am. I'm a good person, I recycle, I yield to fellow drivers, I use crosswalks and turn signals, I try to enjoy my son everyday-watch him laugh, play with him, appreciate his sense of self-worth and joy, try to show love to my friends, accept my family, and do good deeds for no reason other than hope that those deeds will be "paid forward". sometimes I wonder if I try to be a good person to make up for my past. I think i'll always be trying to make up for those mistakes. but I can't take all the blame for them, either. I am a product of my childhood. I am a product of my many environments, of never knowing where i'll end up, what friends I'll leave with, what my future will look like.




I am in a good relationship with a good man, a man who loves me even though I'm royally fucked up. he loves me with no makeup, (which I HATE), he loves me when I'm being bitchy, when I cry about my destroyed family, when I can't move on from my sordid past, when I don't know how to deal with my child, when I can't get dressed because the cellulite on my thighs he claims not to see ruins shorts and swimsuits. he loves me on fat days, he loves me on zit days, he loves me when my alarm goes off 16 times because I am NOT a morning person. He loves my bad attempts at new recipes, my hobbies all over the house, my OCD laundry and cleaning procedures. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I love him during all his neurotic moments, too. I never thought I'd have that. My parents divorced when I was eight. it wasn't pretty, and 23 years later, it still isn't. My sisters and I were divided, and never really had a relationship, not like you'd expect from sisters. We've struggled to know each other as adults. being 5 and 8 years older than me, they were out of the house during my most important years growing up. though I am like them in many ways- we laugh the same way, sound like each other on the phone, even draw the same way(weird) but our views on politics, marriage, religion, men, and children are VERY different. The one thing we will always have in common is our parents' hatred for each other.




My mother was a stay-at-home mom, with no job experience, education, or sense of self-worth other than her kids and husband, who she met in school. Emotional, passionate, and after the divorce, bitter and angry at her lost life. She is now ridiculously educated, with a man that loves her unconditionally, and in the log home she always dreamed of, raising chickens and dogs and cats.




My dad was an air-force man, always in control and always on point, always eager to teach a life's lesson and lead you on the "right path". Always out of town, and apparently, always with another woman. He has what he wants now, I think, which is a woman who lives for him, and only him, and the freedom to live their lives without interruption.




My mom taught me to do for myself, and my dad did that too, taught me not to depend solely on someone, and that I can love a man, and still not trust him. I was proven right about that in every relationship but the one I'm in right now. I know my disconnect with  my immediate family affects my life every day. It affects my relationship, it affects my child-rearing, my friendships, my career, my goals in life. Cause really, the only thing I want is a real family. I don't even know what that is!


My boyfriend, "D", comes from a home he was born and raised in, where his still-married parents still live. He is an only child, well mostly, he has a half-brother he gave up on a long time ago, and sometimes that's what you have to do. he is so secure in himself and so sure of who he is and what he wants in life. He knows where he comes from, while I well up with tears when people ask me where "home" is.




I on the other hand, have moved 30+ times in my life, been through too many heartbreaks to mention, made and lost so many friends I can't even count, gone to hair school, several community colleges, one university, and am now a legal secretary with a fine art degree. I don't make time for art anymore. it's like getting your nails done-I enjoy it, but it doesn't get me anywhere, and automatically associates me with a "type" of people I don't like. The main thing I learned studying art is that I really, really don't like artists. Instead I do crafts with my son, and crafts for my home organization "issues". I don't make enough time for friends. I've lost too many of them, and don't trust that people just want to be my friend, and don't have some ulterior motive or circumstantial friendship of convenience. every time I move, I learn who my real friends are. I think I need to move soon so I can find out. I don't like being around my family, or D's. his is too together, mine is too apart.  I like being at home, where we fit together and live in our non-perfect and non-drama world.


I don't work on myself enough. I want to be more fit, healthy, and happy, but don't do things daily to ensure that I have those, because I feel guilt when I think about doing things for myself. I want to be thin and fit, so bad, and have this fear that I will gain weight like my mom did when she divorced my dad. She told me it's her "love measure", that if a man can love her at her biggest, then he will love her no matter what. It scares me that I could get that big just to prove he loves me, because I have the same addiction to comfort food as she does, and have the same distrust for men and their actual love for me. But I want to be fit, to be healthy, not hot, like so many other women do. I want it for me.




And my son. My son is the BEST thing that's ever happened in my life. He was born during an identity crisis (one of many throughout my life). He saved me from myself, at a time when I wanted to be anyone else, anywhere else, and the news of my conception was to say the least, jarring on my soul. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to do it on my own. I wasn't ready to find the words to explain to him why he only has, and ever will have, one parent. It is a sensitive subject, but not a taboo one anymore. I got pregnant because I was pathetic, depressed and stupid. My heart was broken by my ex, and I reached out to the first person that comforted me in the least bit. I got pregnant with him because I slept with someone I didn't know, and didn't love. A person i've not spoken to since I conceived him, and due to my IMMENSE love for my son, I never will bring this disgusting excuse for a human being into his life. I tried, he wasn't interested, and I am fine with that, because anyone should EARN being in my wonderful son's life. that is going to be his choice some day. I chose to bring him into the world because I was selfish, and didn't want to live with the guilt of aborting or giving him up. but I'm glad I was selfish, because he's the best kid and he makes my life complete. I really don't think I'd be on this earth without his smile. he understands so much of the world, due mostly to his circumstances he didn't ask for, and doesn't ask about. he is content, even with all that he is lacking in life. he appreciates what he has, loves me for who I am, and doesn't hold it against me (yet). I say "yet" because that is my DEEPEST fear, that he will be angry with me for the way he was brought into the world. I did what I needed to do, and I've raised him on my own terms. I tried to do the right thing, and I think I did a pretty good job, considering that inside I am a mess.




I see people with their perfectly styled babies, with their big shiny wedding rings given to them by their college sweethearts, in their big new houses on their beautiful lawns in their perfect crime-free neighborhoods, and I can't help but be jealous. I'm HUMAN. I can't help but wish that is the way my life turned out. but it didn't. and I have my loving boy, and I have a man in my life that accepts me, accepts him, and wants to give me all those things on our own terms. my sisters have those things, my friends have those things. but I have the luxury of knowing that my man loves me for who I am inside, not because I had his babies, stuck with him from childhood/college/getting pregnant, did everything right and have perfect hair and skin or promised before God and my family to love him forever and ever till I die, amen. You grow up being told that that is the way it I supposed to be, and when it's not, it's heartbreaking, no matter how happy you are. This is most of my conflict with myself. It's like tearing two sides of yourself apart inside yourself. when you love what you have, but you love what others have, know there is no way you can have what they have, and are angry with yourself for wanting something else, because some people will never have what I have-it is truly conflicting and painful.


So that's where I, as I am right now, "Come From". I can't change the way I grew up, the way my parents and sisters conduct themselves, what others and I have done to myself in the past, what might happen in the future, or who loves me or leaves me, but I CAN change how I look at my own soul. I can be happy, healthy, and loved, and that is what home is-being COMFORTABLE in who you are, no matter where you hang your hat.